It's been a while since I poured out my heart on this blog. I put my all into the blog posts here, but I haven't written something close to the heart in a while. I don't know if it was the flurry of business courses and groups I'm in, or the fact that I desperately needed more income in the past months, but somewhere along the way, I lost the personal touch on the blog. And that is not the point of this blog. I am ready and able and happy to share business tips and experiences here, but more than anything, I want to share my heart. I want you to know that this is not a blog I write for subscribers, or for leads... But for you to see me as a real person. With a beating, sometimes hurting, sometimes joyous heart. For you to know that behind every "CEO and Founder" position, there's a real-life, with-feelings, person writing those business tips, feeling those business feelings.
It all seemed to go well. In March, I broke my first 5-figure month. It seemed wonderful, but the truth is, I was hurting. I am hurting.
In February and March, I experienced familial upheaval like never before. I never got to resolve many childhood issues that still plague me today. And the worst part is, I didn't know who to blame. I know we all played a part in it, and I know that everyone is just trying their best. That's what I believe in anyway.
I believe that we are all just trying our best, everyday, to make things work. To love the people who matter. To get by and to live.
I made a difficult decision to move out less than one year before our new apartment was due to be built. I made an even bigger leap to choose a rental, for a year, even though it was more expensive and we needed savings for the renovations for the new house. It was hard. It took a lot of praying and leaping and believing and trusting.
Until today, I cannot say that I've made the right decision. I can't say for sure that this was God's will. But at the time, I knew I needed space. I needed a new life. I needed to go to a place where there's just God and me and my husband. There are still a myriad of things I cannot control, but I could only trust and let go. Trust that if it was God's will, it would happen. And it did. I got out.
But everyday is a struggle. A struggle to let go, and let go again. A struggle to learn how to love the people I was born to love, again. A struggle with worry and anxiety.
That's the truth. When you have commitments you have to fulfil but you're on an unsteady, entrepreneur pay-check, it gets hard. It gets worrying. No matter how much preparation you might have for it, there's always more bills to pay. More savings to prepare. And there's so much more to learn to become a better business owner. To grow this and make it something to be proud of. To leave the legacy I was called by Him to leave.
And I think it eventually spiralled to me closing off my faith, my beliefs, my feelings from my business. And my business became a shell of me working hard to give value, but with no element of me. I became engrossed in producing content (nothing bad there) and afraid of sharing my faith, worried I might turn people away because they didn't believe in the same things I did. And I needed the money. That's what I kept telling myself.
It was ironic because my first client was a Muslim who identified with my strong faith -- she specifically told me that my strong faith and openness on my blog inspired her to be more connected to her faith. And our faiths are so vastly different.
These few days have been trying, and I've finally reached a point where I'm ready to say I'm letting go. Mind you, my head is saying something different. But my heart knows that this is all for God. Not for me. Money was never, ever the point. It was and is not the beginning and the end. I started The Petite Co., and By Kara Anne (now this blog you see) to share my heart. To inspire others to comprehend the gravity of their lives being their legacies.
[inlinetweet prefix="" tweeter="thepetiteco" suffix=""]Because everyone is called, put here, to leave a legacy. A beautiful gift that only they can give to the world. Something that's much, much bigger than themselves. Something driven by true love and genuine servitude.[/inlinetweet]
For many of us, that legacy is through entrepreneurship. For others, it might be motherhood. An emergency hotline. Friendship.
When I recognized that... It all clicked and made sense. The worry is still here, but it is abating. All you need is love, and a whole lotta faith. There is immense courage in faith -- faith to step into the unknown, the uncomfortable and the unseen.
I choose to believe even though I don't see. Because I know He is working, and it is happening.
What do you choose to believe? What keeps your faith during trying times? We all need a little, or a lot, of that.