I have been out of it the whole of July, again. I realize I slip into these seasons of intense workaholism and then seasons of total lack of motivation. I still get things done on a day-to-day basis but the spark is different... And it's typically triggered by some sort of failure. Small episodes of it when I can't get something exactly right for a client, or when overwhelm hits and everything comes tumbling down (i.e. CFS, bills, adult thingamabobs). I'm slowly getting back into the hang of things and a part of me doesn't really know how to get back in the game. What should I blog about? What should I write to my email subscribers about? What else can I offer in my business? How else can I inspire and lead and make things happen for people?
Sometimes I just feel so ordinary. I feel like I'm a thousand miles away from my clients and my readers and the connection dwindles. I feel like I'm just a little girl trying to make things happen and people aren't buying it.
But do you see it? It all became about me, me, me. So even though I'm still not entirely sure how August is going to pan out, with an unprecedented amount of projects, bills and law school work... I'm starting the month with gratefulness. Because I am truly grateful for where I am at and what I am doing with my life right now.
My heart swells with love and pride when I think about how far my husband and I have come as a married couple. As I look at my carefully-chosen sapphire ring and I count down to August 11, which marks 7 beautiful years together, I am filled with crazy mixed feelings. After 3 years of marriage, I've made it a point to never judge the dynamics of someone else's marriage. I know a lot of people have opinions about ours. But the truth is, everyone's marriage is so vastly different. Everyone has a way of dealing with things and getting along with each other. Isaac and I fight quite a bit, and it can get intense. But with every argument, we get closer and closer together and know what we're looking for in each other. It is a growth process that I would never give up for the world. I am grateful that I have a hardworking husband who's so supportive of me and who is truly my best friend. Who is growing old with me. 7 is an important number for us and I'm so glad that things are the way they are now, even if they are a little hard sometimes. Because love wins. Every time.
Our new home is coming soon, and we always feel bittersweet as we enjoy where we are at now. Renting this place truly gave us a married couple's life and we have gracious people as our landlords and we couldn't be happier. Moving is going to be another huge change and milestone in our lives that I know I should be thankful for, but am way too stressed out about right now. Grateful that we're homeowners at 23/24 years old and that things have worked out beautifully.
And then there's this teeny business of mine that seems to be going pretty well. I am booked out and booking for mid-September right now, which scares the crap out of me but also challenges me to be more than I ever thought I could be. My life has been one hell of a ride and nothing turned out according to what I had planned. NOTHING. But now that I have it, I wouldn't have it any other way. And I need to sit down, pray, and dream up new things for this petite company that has grown to spread love and positivity and legacy. Grateful that God has taken one crazy mess that was me and spun it into a beautiful mess that is The Petite Co.
And then there's me. I struggle a lot with loving myself. I hate the way I look, the way I talk, the way I laugh too much and too loud, the way I have to stand up for things that aren't right... I get myself thrown inevitably into the spotlight when I speak up about things that others in my community would rather keep quiet about. I am fiercely loyal and dedicated to spreading positivity because I know how negativity spirals and spreads. It is an ugly thing. Sometimes I get misunderstood, other times people just really think differently, and that's all right. I just wished we would take a little bit of that to do good, instead of wallowing in the negative realm. And then I think about how much easier it would be to just retreat and keep myself in my positive little bubble where I don't have to get into arguments with people who take offence at what I stand for. But through prayer and lots of breathing, I know that God created me, just as I am, right now, for a reason. I know that as much as I want to be like someone else, I am me and I am stuck with me for the rest of my life. I know that I can be loved and am loved just as I am. And I know that I am made for more. That I speak up because I am called to do so. I am grateful for this grace that God has shown me and for the way He has created me to be.
Grateful. I can't even start describing it. But this is how I'm going to start the month of August.
Nothing but love.